A New Path

I thought this would have been more painful, more scary, more dreadful. There is however, a certain joy and burden lifted as our marriage came to an end.

It was the natural choice, it was the right choice. I had no regrets. Sad, yes absolutely. But very content and clear minded. Hurt, yes very much so. But strong and confident. I have no hate, animosity or anger for my soon to be ex-wife. I care for her deeply and wish there was some other way.

All resources, avenues, roads and options have been exhausted. It truly is no longer a fork in the road regarding our marriage. The Path is clear and there is closure ahead.

Not Interested!?

"What should one do when a marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex? Many spouses become "clingers" or doormats and find themselves saying things like, "I'll do anything to keep you." Or they will allow, or at least tolerate, many clandestine relationships with the hopes that the wayward spouse will soon come to his or her senses and return to the marriage.

This strategy, according to Dr. Dobson, seldom works. No one can be forced to be in a relationship, particularly marriage. It should be started and maintained on some basis of spontaneity. People should be in marital relationships not because they have to, but because they want to. Begging someone to stay, or threatening certain behavior if they attempt to leave, only adds pressure to an already tense situation. Many relationships operate on the principle of least interest; that is, the one least interested in the relationship usually controls the relationship.

Telling spouses that you will do anything at any cost to keep them only puts them in control. They then can do anything they wish, at any time, knowing they may return at their whim and at their discretion. Unfortunately, spouses in such marriages will take advantage of the situation." --By Brent Barlow, "Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Avoid Them"

This quote from one of my readings has saved my sanity and possibly my marriage, time will tell. I can not tell you how many nights I woke in cold sweat and constant anxiety trying to understand and "fight" for our marriage. I was miserable and nothing I did seemed to work...just annoy and complicate the situation. I truly felt like I was dying.

Why am I fighting so hard for our marriage when the other could careless? I understand the importance of marriage but why can't I get her to understand it? Why should I keep changing myself in a way I believe will win her over?

The biggest struggle I had was to stop believing all the bad things she would say about me. I place to much importance on her view of me. When she would say I made her sad I would spend hours asking for her to forgive me and try to understand what I did wrong. I treated her like a queen and am trying to do better? Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect but I have always done my best to make her happy and comfortable. I am always the first to admit I have done something wrong and tried to fix it. I have heard her say sorry only a hand full of times in our long married life. NOT THE POINT.

The point is as Dobson says, "No one can be forced to be in a relationship, particularly marriage". My wife has the agency to choose to stay or go...I can not, nor should not try to "convince" her what to do. To the degree I try to make that decision for her will only build resentment and frustration now or in the future.

The hardest part is feeling completely and utterly out of control. Never knowing what you are going to wake up too. Will she leave today, try to take the kids, yell at me and worse not love me? Nothing worse then feeling unloved and lonely. Your spouse promised to you and God that they would love and stand by your side. But I can't force nor convince. They need to do that on their own. Sure I am here if she needs me but the long nights of pleading and asking over and over, "whats wrong" or done! I have never been more stable and happy. In other words and not to sound zen like but giving up that control I now feel absolutely in control. In control of my emotions, actions and responses.

I am in control of myself. I no longer feel I need to apologize for my actions and words. Also, and very importantly I find it very useful to say very few words and am very slow if at all comforting to her struggles. I use to spend hours trying to comfort her in her weakness and when she knows she has done something wrong. I would quickly say things like; its ok, we will get through it together, etc.

Pain provides growth and silence is a library of learning. I have found I am to quick to fix. Let it hurt, not because I want to see her hurt but because she needs to hurt. I have seen more growth (if you can call it that) and change from following this principle then at any time before. Best of all, I sleep better then ever at night now.

But remember, I am doing none of this out of anger or spite. Its peace within myself and confidence in myself not the need or feeling to get even. In fact its what I believe is real love.

Just tonight, she was telling me somethings, crazy things! Before I would have tried to resolve and comfort. I intently listen with love not saying anything. Let her finish. I took an interest (yes and interest, even though it was crazy talk), sincere interest and asked a few questions and moved on to play with the kids. That was it, she sat there and I believe struggled with the fact it didn't phase me, and it honestly didn't. Her crazy talk was only a symptom of a problem and I wasn't about to let this symptom interrupt my day!

Its the Symptom...Not the Problem!

If one is not careful they may spend months if not years battling chronic fatigue, nausea and bone and joint pain with superficial solutions. More rest, more caffeine, more exercise more pills.... Most of us do this, we experience various forms of physical issues and may dismiss as stress, lack of sleep, kids, work or just "life" in general but almost never explore what might be the real issue that is causing the ailments.

A friend of mine discovered he had leukemia. He experienced all the symptoms described above. However, he was cautious enough to seek out medical help and discovered that his problem wasn't just lack of sleep or fatigue but rather were symptoms of something so much worse. Fortunately, he is healthy and well today and continues to be in full remission.

While experiencing my current marriage struggles I have needed to keep this concept constantly on my mind. Most of the negative reactions in any relationship is due to a much more serious and undetectable problem then we are aware. Unfortunately we find ourselves constantly addressing the symptoms, only to find that they resurface again and again. The arguing, lying, unusual/unpredictable behaviour, sadness, depression, etc. Unlike physical problems, it is much more difficult to perform a proverbial blood test on emotions and human interactions.

Also, unlike taking a pill to eliminate unwanted bacteria marriage issues demand a prescription of self mastery and acute awareness. Self mastery of emotions and control of thoughts, feelings and actions. This is the most difficult and please don't misunderstand me, it may sound like you need to be in complete control all the time and never let anything set you off...ideally yes we should not let our situations dictate our behavior, but not everyone is Victor Frankl, but don't let this fact provide you with an excuse to act without control. As long as you are constantly doing your best and growing.


But to truly discover the "problem" we need to take our self out of the equation and ask ourselves what is the real issue here. To do this I have found the following very helpful.


1. Stop focusing on the "symptoms"; the cheating, lying odd behavior, etc.

2. Withdraw yourself, become disinterested. Be careful, I didn't say not care. (I will discuss this in greater detail in another post.)

3. Focus on yourself; learn who you are and become yourself. (Not as simple as you would think, but crucial)

First, stop focusing on the symptoms let them be a gage of your spouse success or failure, not yours. Believe me, I have discovered if your spouse is willing to cheat before you knew, they will do it again...just become more secretive about it. If its happening you want to see the symptoms clearly, avoid doing anything that forces the other to cover up their symptoms and surprise you and hurt you much more later on.

Second, become disinterested. This is a very important step one I will need to spend much more time on. However, stop pursuing your spouse. They already know you love and care for them. Your pursuing is going to be perceived as insecurities and burdens to an already complicated issue.

Third, someone keeps telling me to stop caring and focus on yourself. Well I agree for the most part. Stop caring is too strong and will only confuse your emotional balance and honesty. But rather know you can not force the other to do anything and you need to "save" yourself. Don't be so egocentric to believe you will miss an opportunity to change or win the other back. Go play, hang out with the kids, exercise, be yourself, don't let life pass you up.

Like cancer, you must except the fact that the emotional cancer maybe a stage 4 diagnosis. By following these three (albeit, over simplified steps) your heart and mind will be more prepared to move in either direction; successful marriage or divorce. By taking yourself out of the equation and not focusing on the symptoms you will see much clearer and address the real problems; sin, hate, anger, fear or whatever it be with absolute confidence and without getting emotionally wrapped up. Which will allow you to check off that stupid emotional roller coaster that seems to provided too many false hopes with equally as many false disparities. Only leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed with no companion to comfort you, or even to be sympathetic toward you. Take control of yourself! Even your spouse will have more respect for you.

You will also know, I believe when if necessary, to move on.

The Detials: A Very Loney Journey

As you can imagine this is difficult. I spent the last hour (or more) writing in detail the events that lead to this point however, I could not post. Although therapeutic for me I feel it best in my case that the intimate details of my journey be best left to my private and personal journal.

However, I do feel it very appropriate to share my success and struggles in a more broad sense. Sharing the details of the how I view my pain, successes and life perspectives. As appose to the intimate details of my personal interaction with my wife. Really, the "methods" of a successful marriage is what's important here, not the "bloody details". I fear the intimate and personal details may only detract from the principles of my struggle to overcoming my life challenges and how to have joy in the negative. I know misery loves company and we as humans do find comfort in knowing we are not alone but some things are best not shared. I may nonetheless, share where I feel appropriate the personal interactions of my spouse and emphasize how to or not to handle certain situations.

If it sounds like I am overly cautious, its because I am. I like to believe I am a man of principles and core values. Never shifting or wavering, regardless of the situation. I still love my wife and always will. But no matter how frustrated I get or hurt I must not be willing to sacrifice my character.

So much for the bloody details, but I hope you will find value in the things I share....

Inspired by Gigi...

Blogs saturate and congest the internet with surprisingly raw personal information. It has always been a wounder to me how easily people share their intimate thoughts and family details with the world. Especially with regards to family matters, which I consider very sacred and personal. It is fun nonetheless, to read the thoughts and daily events of friends and family but there seems to be such a fine line of how much should be shared. President Gorden Hinkley of the LDS (Mormon) Church once commented after his biography was published that he felt very little was now remaining private to his family. There is a great risk of devaluing ones family and experiences with broadcasting them to the world.

With the fear of devaluing cherished family memories I have hesitate with great caution sharing anything more then resent vacation pictures and things of that variety. The very thought of sharing great joys as with great struggles online was furthest from my mind just a day or two ago. However with some irony I found myself desiring to find someone who with my values and similar family struggles to help with my overcoming these struggles.

Today, a close friend sent me a link to a site I found inspiring, encouraging and very comforting.



Gigi, the author takes an anonymous and very personal journey through her personal life and marriage and how she is handling an unfaithful husband. I too am struggling with this same, very unfortunate issue with my dear wife. Gigi's blog brought insight and comfort to me and thought her perspective is a deeply rare and fortunate strength that is needed in this time of unimaginable, very real and destructive war that the adversary is waging on the family.

For this reason I feel I need to disband my current philosophy of sharing my personal struggles. I hope that I may join the rightous fight to protect marriage and the principles albeit, strange to the world very crucial to eternal perspectives and family. Gigi... may I join in your fight for righteous eternal perspectives, may we endure happily to the end.

Gigi, thank you very much for sharing your personal struggles. Like a testimony given in church (Mormons, once a month have an opportunity to share there testimony of Christ in front of a congregation with the attempt to lift and strength their fellow church goers in the faith of Christ), I am fining a strength and encouragement from your words. Thank you.