If one is not careful they may spend months if not years battling chronic fatigue, nausea and bone and joint pain with superficial solutions. More rest, more caffeine, more exercise more pills.... Most of us do this, we experience various forms of physical issues and may dismiss as stress, lack of sleep, kids, work or just "life" in general but almost never explore what might be the real issue that is causing the ailments.
A friend of mine discovered he had leukemia. He experienced all the symptoms described above. However, he was cautious enough to seek out medical help and discovered that his problem wasn't just lack of sleep or fatigue but rather were symptoms of something so much worse. Fortunately, he is healthy and well today and continues to be in full remission.
While experiencing my current marriage struggles I have needed to keep this concept constantly on my mind. Most of the negative reactions in any relationship is due to a much more serious and undetectable problem then we are aware. Unfortunately we find ourselves constantly addressing the symptoms, only to find that they resurface again and again. The arguing, lying, unusual/unpredictable behaviour, sadness, depression, etc. Unlike physical problems, it is much more difficult to perform a proverbial blood test on emotions and human interactions.
Also, unlike taking a pill to eliminate unwanted bacteria marriage issues demand a prescription of self mastery and acute awareness. Self mastery of emotions and control of thoughts, feelings and actions. This is the most difficult and please don't misunderstand me, it may sound like you need to be in complete control all the time and never let anything set you off...ideally yes we should not let our situations dictate our behavior, but not everyone is Victor Frankl, but don't let this fact provide you with an excuse to act without control. As long as you are constantly doing your best and growing.
But to truly discover the "problem" we need to take our self out of the equation and ask ourselves what is the real issue here. To do this I have found the following very helpful.
1. Stop focusing on the "symptoms"; the cheating, lying odd behavior, etc.
2. Withdraw yourself, become disinterested. Be careful, I didn't say not care. (I will discuss this in greater detail in another post.)
3. Focus on yourself; learn who you are and become yourself. (Not as simple as you would think, but crucial)
First, stop focusing on the symptoms let them be a gage of your spouse success or failure, not yours. Believe me, I have discovered if your spouse is willing to cheat before you knew, they will do it again...just become more secretive about it. If its happening you want to see the symptoms clearly, avoid doing anything that forces the other to cover up their symptoms and surprise you and hurt you much more later on.
Second, become disinterested. This is a very important step one I will need to spend much more time on. However, stop pursuing your spouse. They already know you love and care for them. Your pursuing is going to be perceived as insecurities and burdens to an already complicated issue.
Third, someone keeps telling me to stop caring and focus on yourself. Well I agree for the most part. Stop caring is too strong and will only confuse your emotional balance and honesty. But rather know you can not force the other to do anything and you need to "save" yourself. Don't be so egocentric to believe you will miss an opportunity to change or win the other back. Go play, hang out with the kids, exercise, be yourself, don't let life pass you up.
Like cancer, you must except the fact that the emotional cancer maybe a stage 4 diagnosis. By following these three (albeit, over simplified steps) your heart and mind will be more prepared to move in either direction; successful marriage or divorce. By taking yourself out of the equation and not focusing on the symptoms you will see much clearer and address the real problems; sin, hate, anger, fear or whatever it be with absolute confidence and without getting emotionally wrapped up. Which will allow you to check off that stupid emotional roller coaster that seems to provided too many false hopes with equally as many false disparities. Only leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed with no companion to comfort you, or even to be sympathetic toward you. Take control of yourself! Even your spouse will have more respect for you.
You will also know, I believe when if necessary, to move on.
Have you read Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough"? It discusses a lot of what you just said. I decided to follow it, especially what it said about, well what you wrote in no.2. The problem was, I took it just a smidge too far and Beloved went from tentatively seeking me out to retreating and looking for more opportunity to contact her. It was just the slightest overstepping. I went from being a tak aloof, which seemed to be working...to when he tried to rub my back to comfort me as I was reading a particularly sad post (i know, it sounds ridiculous, but there you have it)about a woman who had just lost her daughter I pulled away from his hand. Not roughly, jsut slightly. I didn't even think about it when I did it. It was a mixture of surprise at his touch, and remembering I was supposed to be aloof. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm trying to figure it all out again.
Also. So what IS the problem? I've had several people say the same thing. But I don't know what it is. I mean, I have theories. But, seriously. I need to figure this out. No. HE needs to figure this out. Right?
ReplyDeleteI don't know..., you may never know. Its so much more internal then the superficial actions we communicate with. It could be a Sigmund Freud type issue to a defeated testimony. The point is to not get caught in the web of symptoms that pervades. Not to get to psycho analytical but, it is also very possible that a symptoms could turn into a problem. For example, addictions. Although the underlining problem is resolved one could became entangled with an addiction that was used to "escape" from the problem. So, even if and when that original problem is gone they are now stuck dealing with the addiction.
ReplyDeleteNo, you don't need to figure it out. Its always helpful to understand/know the problem. But it is not a need. The "ill" person needs to resolve it. But, especially with emotional/spiritual problems it requires the sick person to seek honest and humble treatment. Unlike physical illness you can't just give him a pill to get well or force him to have an operation.
Right now, I am just letting my wife run her course. I am tired. I can not nor should I intervene anymore...she needs to make her decision on her terms and on her own will. You need to however, make it clear what you expect and will not tolerate and let the other make their choices.
I need to clarify these points more when I have time. I will write more later.