Not Interested!?

"What should one do when a marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex? Many spouses become "clingers" or doormats and find themselves saying things like, "I'll do anything to keep you." Or they will allow, or at least tolerate, many clandestine relationships with the hopes that the wayward spouse will soon come to his or her senses and return to the marriage.

This strategy, according to Dr. Dobson, seldom works. No one can be forced to be in a relationship, particularly marriage. It should be started and maintained on some basis of spontaneity. People should be in marital relationships not because they have to, but because they want to. Begging someone to stay, or threatening certain behavior if they attempt to leave, only adds pressure to an already tense situation. Many relationships operate on the principle of least interest; that is, the one least interested in the relationship usually controls the relationship.

Telling spouses that you will do anything at any cost to keep them only puts them in control. They then can do anything they wish, at any time, knowing they may return at their whim and at their discretion. Unfortunately, spouses in such marriages will take advantage of the situation." --By Brent Barlow, "Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Avoid Them"

This quote from one of my readings has saved my sanity and possibly my marriage, time will tell. I can not tell you how many nights I woke in cold sweat and constant anxiety trying to understand and "fight" for our marriage. I was miserable and nothing I did seemed to work...just annoy and complicate the situation. I truly felt like I was dying.

Why am I fighting so hard for our marriage when the other could careless? I understand the importance of marriage but why can't I get her to understand it? Why should I keep changing myself in a way I believe will win her over?

The biggest struggle I had was to stop believing all the bad things she would say about me. I place to much importance on her view of me. When she would say I made her sad I would spend hours asking for her to forgive me and try to understand what I did wrong. I treated her like a queen and am trying to do better? Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect but I have always done my best to make her happy and comfortable. I am always the first to admit I have done something wrong and tried to fix it. I have heard her say sorry only a hand full of times in our long married life. NOT THE POINT.

The point is as Dobson says, "No one can be forced to be in a relationship, particularly marriage". My wife has the agency to choose to stay or go...I can not, nor should not try to "convince" her what to do. To the degree I try to make that decision for her will only build resentment and frustration now or in the future.

The hardest part is feeling completely and utterly out of control. Never knowing what you are going to wake up too. Will she leave today, try to take the kids, yell at me and worse not love me? Nothing worse then feeling unloved and lonely. Your spouse promised to you and God that they would love and stand by your side. But I can't force nor convince. They need to do that on their own. Sure I am here if she needs me but the long nights of pleading and asking over and over, "whats wrong" or done! I have never been more stable and happy. In other words and not to sound zen like but giving up that control I now feel absolutely in control. In control of my emotions, actions and responses.

I am in control of myself. I no longer feel I need to apologize for my actions and words. Also, and very importantly I find it very useful to say very few words and am very slow if at all comforting to her struggles. I use to spend hours trying to comfort her in her weakness and when she knows she has done something wrong. I would quickly say things like; its ok, we will get through it together, etc.

Pain provides growth and silence is a library of learning. I have found I am to quick to fix. Let it hurt, not because I want to see her hurt but because she needs to hurt. I have seen more growth (if you can call it that) and change from following this principle then at any time before. Best of all, I sleep better then ever at night now.

But remember, I am doing none of this out of anger or spite. Its peace within myself and confidence in myself not the need or feeling to get even. In fact its what I believe is real love.

Just tonight, she was telling me somethings, crazy things! Before I would have tried to resolve and comfort. I intently listen with love not saying anything. Let her finish. I took an interest (yes and interest, even though it was crazy talk), sincere interest and asked a few questions and moved on to play with the kids. That was it, she sat there and I believe struggled with the fact it didn't phase me, and it honestly didn't. Her crazy talk was only a symptom of a problem and I wasn't about to let this symptom interrupt my day!